A quick turnaround after my return from China, and a two week trip to the US. My flight from Shanghai was late on Saturday and it was gone 5pm when I arrived home. Sunday was a blur as I laundered and packed enough clothes for a two week trip (my wife and I have a deal that we do our own laundry. This is based on ensuring that I don’t wreck her clothes by washing at the wrong temperature/speed).

11,15 am on Monday and trusty Paul arrives to take me to my holiday home, Heathrow Terminal 4. I check in for the flight and guess what, it will be an hour late. Head to the lounge, lunch , email, calls, (you get the idea).

Apart from the delay, otherwise uneventful flight. Land in Seattle, immigration fast, baggage fast, and soon I am on my way to Bellevue. I am staying in the Westin, the building that kept me awake on my first trip there (see “Sleepless near Seattle” on my blog).

The Westin building is quite strange. The upper floors seem to be apartments and these have balconies, but the lower hotel floors do not have such ornamentation. This gives the building a lop-sided feel.

I check in and went up to my room to find it has no net curtains, so you have to close the curtains in the daytime to change your clothes- unless you are an exhibitionist.

Unpack and freshen up and off to a dinner for a team I am on. This is at the Rock Bottom Brewery Restaurant on 106th Street. I’ve had some meals here before and it’s ok, if not what US folks would call “upscale”.

We have the upper floor and it’s great to meet Caroline, Stijn, Eric, Roy, Anja and all my old friends. Eric tells me about his recent move to Israel, and being so far from his parents.

We have a pleasant evening and it’s an early night to counteract the jetlag.

Tuesday and the first day of a three day HR conference. Just great to hear the integrity of our leaders, interspersed with funny vignettes from international teams. The Canadian and Central European teams do very funny presentations on what is unique about their geographies, we have a useful functional team meeting and off to the conference party. This is in the “Parlour” a nearby bar and pool hall.

I am persuaded to play pool with Roy from Japan, and get to demonstrate that my pool playing is as good as my waltzing.
I am soundly thrashed (many times).

Have a chat with Ian from China. He has a clash with a course he has to deliver and a key meeting. I’m still fond of China so I offer to teach the class for him.

Next day and some more great presentations, The Germans do another great vignette involving Lederhosen, Bavarian dance and a clapping sequence (Bom Bom BOM. Bom Bom BOM) that provokes an impromptu chorus of “We will Rock you”.

The one dud note (for Europeans at least) was a motivational speaker- to preserve his identity let’s call him Billy.

Billy is a man who has pulled himself up from a tough upbringing. Billy is a successful motivational speaker (allegedly) whose brother is in prison for murder (or something terrible). Billy bounded on to the stage dancing to the tune of Bachman Turner Overdrive’s “Taking care of business”. He wore a sharp suit and designer shoes. I was already uneasy.

Billy is also a man with limited cultural awareness.

An American colleague who has worked in Europe has written a great document on how to present to Europeans (and it’s not bad advice for Asia either).

Some of the key messages:

• Always remember that English may not be the audience’s first language
• Speak clearly, and not too fast
• Avoid hyperbole, slang and cliché
• “Don’t expect the audience to respond easily
1. Asking them to cheer, shout or applaud something or someone often goes badly
2. They may respond out of politeness, but will often be embarrassed and uncomfortable doing so”
• “Avoid using expressions based on the US educational system e.g. Kindergarten, 12th grade, etc (I know German speakers have Kindergartens too)
• “Never assume that someone or something famous in the US is known in Europe
1. Most American sports heroes/ terms do not translate
2. You need to give background for historical figures”
• “Many big American brand names are virtually unknown in Europe
1. Sears, Advil, Tylenol, Gatorade, etc.”
• “A lot of American TV shows are seen in Europe, but certainly not all of them
1. So don’t assume everyone knows “Jeopardy”, “Friends” or “Survivor” etc.”

Billy was an object lesson in breaking every one of these tenets.

He talked at supersonic speed, laced richly with US slang. He encouraged the audience “If you agree with me I want you to shout back “ABSOLUTELY!!”. Do you agree with me?”.

Some of the audience shouted back half heartedly, some close to me muttered things other than “absolutely” which I cannot repeat in a family blog. People from Korea and China went slightly pink.

Billy told the tale of his upbringing and his tough life- he spent a long time telling the tragic tale of how he missed the NFL draft (whatever that is- though Billy obviously thought it was important). By now his audience were 2/3rds confused and by cleverly banging on about sports he cunningly alienated many of his female American listeners too.

Billy’s message can be summarised in three sentences

• You want to have something badly to achieve it (“emotion produces motion”)
• If you try hard enough you can achieve anything
• If you haven’t got there you haven’t tried hard enough
(I’ve always had a problem with this kind of thinking- I’m all in favour of effort , but no amount of it can fully compensate for a complete lack of aptitude).

Billy, however, managed to spin this stuff out for an hour, and as time went on the audience became more silent, with the kind of hushed expectancy that happens as time slows down, and the train wreck is inevitable.

It all went spectacularly wrong when Billy was building to his climax.

The cause was actually quite innocent- in that Billy was telling us about the importance of us finding our personal niche- which he pronounced “nitch” instead of the French “neesh”. My colleague Richard from France whispered to me in French “what does he mean, nitch?” “He means “neesh”” I replied. Richard laughed and whispered to his colleagues.

As Billy was building to the heart-rending climax of his death- bed reconciliation with his estranged father, (his father was on the death bed, not Billy, life isn’t fair), his emotional appeal was distracted by a wave of hilarious laughter from the French speakers as “nitch” was translated.

You could see the sweat on Billy’s brow and the slight look of panic, confused that his tried and tested deathbed story should cause hilarity in the audience at his most bathetic moment. At this point I think he decided to cut his losses and finished rapidly, leaving his international audience wondering how much he had been paid for that speech.

A telling and poignant moment came in the ensuing coffee break as Billy sat at a desk waiting to sign copies of his self- help book. There were five people in the line out of an audience of around 500.

Many including me picked up an unsigned copy (they were free after all), but poignantly, the day after the conference, as I cut through the conference area to get elsewhere, I saw piles of his book, painstakingly autographed, lying abandoned in the deserted conference hall. I wonder what the hotel did with them.

Dinner that night with some colleagues in Seattle, where every question in conversation that prompted a positive answer, was met with a loud and ironic “ABSOLUTELY”. My very good friend Caroline, (she of the Belgo- Swiss chocolate war” was at her scathing and witty best in her comments. “ABSOLUTELY” was a staple response in many emails in EMEA for many weeks afterwards, so I guess Billy was memorable in one way.

The following night we had a team dinner at a local restaurant. This place specialised in fondue. The service gave the impression that when the order was placed the food was put on a plane in Zurich to be delivered to the restaurant, so long did it take to arrive, but I did enjoy my boss’s tale over dinner. The previous night he had attended a dinner given in honour of the Indian HR team, where the main course in the set menu offered had been beef.

I wish I could claim I made that up- but no, it happened.

On my way back to the hotel, I passed the Rock Bottom bar, and was amazed by some brilliant live music coming from upstairs. I had to go in and investigate. Heading up the stairs I saw a three piece band who were quite simply brilliant. “The Popoffs”, as they are called, if seen from behind, look like teenagers with their gelled hair and youthful styling, but when you look at their faces it’s apparent that they are much older, and their faces suggest that they have lived hard and fast, and possibly not been unacquainted with chemical substances- the two guitarists have some facial similarity with Keith Richards.

However they are incredible players, and their set is basically all cover versions of bands like the Beatles, Pink Floyd, Led Zeppelin, Bowie, etc.

There are many tribute bands who can do good copies of their chosen heroes- the Popoffs can do almost anybody. They even played a couple of requests, including a very respectable version of “Bohemian Rhapsody”. A three -piece band who can do a very good version of this without backing tapes have got to be good.

Amazing stuff -I was told they play every Thursday at the bar- to paraphrase Mark Knopfler “The boys can play”. My plans for an early night went out the window as I enjoyed some great music.

The end of my first week and the prospect of another live concert in Seattle on Friday evening, but that’s another tale.